ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
