Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
