I wish my penis had an off switch
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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