I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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