So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
