The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
