Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
