I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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