somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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