Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
