can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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