Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
