I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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