sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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