He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
