OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
