My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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