So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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