i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
