im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
