So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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