i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
