my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
