Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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