im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
