My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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