At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
