he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
