I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
