I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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