So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
