I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
