Jerry, you need to find god
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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