Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
