Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
