I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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