why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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