Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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