you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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