I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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