i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
