At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
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