i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
