my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
