She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
