Tell her she can't have a vagina
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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