she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
