They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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