all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
