Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
