I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
